I think I must be lucky

I can't count the times I have screwed up in my life. At the time I thought I had screwed up my life but that is actually not the way it worked. I have less contact with some people than I might have but that's OK too. I had a friend I worked with. I felt a lot of love for her and she said she did for me. However, since I'm no longer working with her it has gone. I called a few times. But she never called me. I've learned from that to not count on the things people say but on the things they do.

God knows I've opened my mouth and stuck both feet in up to the knees. I still remember something I said in 1967 that hurt a girl's feelings. It was a dumb thing to do. I've learned never to make fun of something someone has or does.

I've made promises I intended to keep. I worked hard to be a sort of person. I tried every way to remodel myself like I thought I was expected to be. But it doesn't work. Being my true self is the only way. And my true self would sometimes rather be silent than to hurt someone.

I dragged my baggage around after me for almost 25 years after my marriage ended. I find now, after learning the truth about my past from a good source, I can let it go. Things I based my beliefs on were just not true. Things I thought about myself were just not true. Stuff happened then. This is now.

I'm not an outwardly religious person and I have come to believe that the world works just as it should anyway. I must be lucky because often when something was needed to help me survive it has appeared. Things in my life are better now that I've gotten older. I didn't expect that.

To grow old or not to grow old

 I'm getting older every day. I just had a birthday. And you know what? I don't feel any different. I loved to rock as a young mother and I still do.

I have discovered one of the best things about getting older. My give a ____ factor has dropped considerably. I have a lot of physical complaints but I'm so excited to still be alive that I don't care. As long as I'm able to smile about the ridiculous things that happen with aging, I'll be OK. For instance, I used to drink prune juice just because I like it. See, it's fun to look at things that way. I used to take a nap because I needed it. Now I like it. I used to make the bed to make the bedroom look nicer. Now I do it so the covers don't fall off in the floor. Bending over and picking them up is a pain in the back, literally.

 I wanted to be a hippie. I wasn't sharing a marriage with someone who could get with that program. And this is where the factor comes in. I am no longer married to that person and in fact, am happily with someone else. Rather than throwing away all those dreams, I just put them off and now that I'm not so young, I'm following that road less traveled. It's such an interesting change. Like a breath of fresh air. I cleaned all of the woulda, coulda, shoulda things out of my mental closet and I'm trying for the wanta things.
If I mess up, too bad. I've done it many times before so I know I can get up and fix what's broken. My kids are adults now. They are able to make up their minds about things and I don't have to like it. Well, turn about is fair play. I can make up my mind and not worry either.

One of the things I finally understand is that my mom was also out there a bit. She in no way was the run of the mill mother. Nor did she change when the grandkids came along. Well, this ride I'm on will take me outside of the norm. But then I've never been comfortable trying to be in the norm so that works out. If it hadn't been for several things that have occurred in my life, I would not feel free enough to go with the flow. Better late than  never.

Oh the joys

There are times when I think I'm all together. I've discovered the crutches I can use to get by. I've grown up in the ways I can. I've refused to grow up in other ways. I saw a saying that ways getting old is not for sissies. Well guess what! I'm not a sissy. However, I'm a procrastinator in a major way. And I've found that isn't working for me any more. I'm getting old. I thought it was a dirty word. It's not.

I don't fear death any more. When I had my almost 14 year old standard poodle(best friend) put to sleep I saw life cease. End. Stop. And I was devastated. But she had stopped doing anything but sleeping. She lost half her body weight and didn't eat. It's really hard to decided to end another life but I had to do it. In the meantime my life has become more painful and I refer to physical pain. I have diabetes, a bad back and bad knees. I have diabetic neuropathy. I have a lot of fat and I'm tired all the time. That is enough to make me ease off on the fear of the end. But I have a wonderful man who adores me, a dog that thinks I am wonderful, another dog who licks me and loves me, 3 children, 4 grandchildren, and 2 inlaws, and some friends who make me feel needed and wanted.

I also have a sense of humor. And an interest in learning and creating. And a need to caretake and to love others. So I'm still in the plus column in a big way. I also have learned a lot. I try to use the things I've learned and to share when asked. I try to live in a way that is kind to all living things(except ants)  and to care for the planet. In short, there are a lot of things left to do. And a lot of giggles to be had.

I've been collecting funny things and I send them to my kids. And I reread them often. Laughter is a fabulous thing. So cleansing.

So there are drawbacks to growing old. But Oh the joys.

It grows on me

Today I'm fighting off vertigo. I've had it on and off for about a week and the worst seems to have passed but I still swim sometimes and I don't know when I get up if I'll walk straight or not. I have allergies and it seems as if the weather is trying to kill me. One of my allergy problems is dampness. The weather has put us about 13 inches of rain ahead of schedule this year and my ears are stopped up sometimes and they just aren't good at holding me upright. I've tried just about everything that I have at home and the doctor prescribed more of what I had at home. I've just about gotten to a point where one more dizzy spell and I'll scream. Except that will cause a sore throat too. Damn.

I saw a list of things that having diabetes messes up and the inner ear wasn't on the list. However the list was fairly long so I've decided that I'm adding all those things to the things I've bitched about before now. And I'll probably come up with some more things. Life almost has become a roulette game. Spin the wheel and see what will be a problem today. It's just another day at the allergy table.

So I am going to give up grinning for bitching today. But tomorrow is another day. Hope yours is good.

Looks can be deceiving

I have examined my face with a fine eye toward improvement. First idea for improvement is a "Lifestyle Lift". A face lift. I've joked about having someone just pull my  hair up and removing about 6 inches of skin. But my hair is the favorite thing of mine. I'd hate to lose it.

Then there are the creams and facials that are available. All claim to rid the user of wrinkles and to promote dewy youthful skin. And some cost as little as $6 a jar. The only requirement is that you use them.

I personally have a huge stash of creams. That I don't use. But at least none were much over 30 dollars. If I still had the money I'd be hundred's of dollars richer and I'd still look the same.

One of the people I'll never forget is my former and now passed away mother-in-law. She had baby fine skin with very few wrinkles. And yet as a teen she had to work outside in the sun with the rest of her family. Thank goodness she had the foresight to wear a hat. And her beauty regimen consisted of cleansing and moisturizing with basic Noxema. This lovely lady did not miss a day of taking care of her skin. She wasn't vain. There were no expensive make-ups, no state-of-the-art creams. There was constant care. A hat on a sunny day out was important. Good sunglasses. And cleansing and moisturizing. It worked. She looked younger than her years.

At the same time she didn't try to look younger. No short skirts. No hair dye. No jangling bracelets. This woman was an elegant older person. I'll always look up to her.

Now the picture of the cat. This cat is a hairless cat. Meant to be that way. On a cat, the hair can hide a lot of things. Like wrinkles. But this cat isn't hiding anything. I have seen many people who are so comfortable with their looks they go bare faced into the world every day. Most men do. However, I'm drawn toward the happy medium. I can't afford a facelift. So I have to start looking like the cat. And there isn't enough makeup in the world that I could trowel on and look 20. I have not cared for my skin like my lovely MIL. So I'm starting more like the cat.

Good healthy food, vitamins, exercise and self-care are advised for good health. They are also good for skin. I think that needs to be my route with a little help from makeup.

I'm still here

I spent a lot of years growing up and married. During those years I did everything I could to become what my mother and ex wanted me to be. I failed. And now I am being what I was meant to be. It's never too late.

If you're happy and you know it.....

 Happiness. It makes getting older feel better. And I've found that many of the things that used to make me unhappy just don't matter any more.

Psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky is on the forefront of helping everyone find some answers, both through tireless research as well as with her books, like “The How of Happiness” (2007) and its just-published follow-up, “The Myths of Happiness.” 

Lyubomirsky, based at the University of California, Riverside, believes that everyone has his or her own set happiness level, noted the New York Times in a recent profile of the researcher. And the less happy among us tend to share traits like frequently comparing themselves to others (and finding personal disappointment in others’ successes), rationalizing often, and dwelling on unhappy events. Happy folks, meanwhile, have a greater tendency to store up positive moments in their memory.

Perform random acts of kindness
“The generous acts don’t have to be random and they don’t have to be a certain kind (e.g, anonymous or social or big, etc.),” Lyubomirsky told fellow happiness-expert Gretchen Rubin. “We have found that almost any types of acts of kindness boost happiness.” Recent studies have corroborated the findings, she noted, with one showing that when 9- to 11-year old kids were asked to do good deeds for several weeks, they not only got happier, but became more popular with their peers. 

Count your blessings
Learning to practice gratefulness is particularly key to happiness, Lyubomirsky says. And there are many ways to do it: by keeping a gratitude journal, in which you ruminate on 2-3 things for which you’re currently grateful, “from the mundane (your dryer is fixed, your flowers are finally in bloom, your husband remembered to stop by the store) to the magnificent (your child’s first steps, the beauty of the sky at night),” she wrote in a recent blog post. Alternately, you can choose a fixed time that’s set aside for thinking about your blessings, or when you can talk about what’s good in your life with a gratitude partner, or even tell people directly that you’re grateful for them or their actions. Writing one day, and then thinking or discussing the next, is a good way to keep your gratitude practice fresh, she notes.

Be thrifty
Materialism, overconsumption and overspending will ultimately get you down, Lyubomirsky has noted, reiterating the point by using age-old tropes (possessions break, while memories only get better) and quotes (“Our necessities are few, but our wants are endless”). “Promoting sustainable happiness means helping people transcend set points and setbacks to live more rewarding lives,” she writes in one study. “Thrift can complement this endeavor by extending the meaning of sustainability, ensuring that the collective can flourish as well as the individual.” In other words? Greed makes everyone sad.

Learn to savor positive experiences
“The ability to savor the positive experiences in your life is one of the most important ingredients of happiness,” according to Lyubomirsky. How to do it? Put together a small album with happy photos or mementos and carry it around with you. Try to be present and fully appreciate small, happy moments—from taking a shower to eating a meal. And tune in to natural joys, from the sound of a bird singing to the smell of fresh spring blossoms in the air.

Take baby steps toward life goals

Making a list of your big goals in life, and taking baby steps toward them, is very happy-inducing. That’s because a component of happiness is the sense that your life is good, “that you’re progressing towards your goals in life,” Lyubomirsky told Diane Rehm. This is a digestible way to make it possible.

Stay healthy and live long: Happiness peaks at age 65
As she noted in her first book, a 22-year study of about 2,000 healthy veterans of World War II and the Korean War revealed that life satisfaction increased over the course of these men’s lives, peaked at age 65, and didn’t start significantly declining until age 75. Takeaway: Not happy at 30? Don’t give up, and don’t rush it. There’s still time.