The true me

This pic of me is probably the most like what I am right now. You can smile for the camera. And you can put on make-up and nice clothes. You can do your hair. You can look your best. But sometimes behind the smile and the other stuff is an exhaustion and a depression, a feeling of failure and loss. So you can then continue to spiral downward. I was drowning in self-pity at one point in my recovery from surgery.

Then I started doing something I have spent most of my life trying not to do. I certainly don't think of this as a surprise to anyone else. My physical therapy has broken the barrier for me. Before when I thought of exercise I thought to myself-- this is too hard. I am so out of shape I'll never be able to do it. Then I walked into the therapy center and saw the pool. I am a water lover from way back. A Cancerian-but not crabby(well maybe crabby). My children swam competitively and I love a good Chlorine smell in the morning. But, I was so out of shape. So very flabby. Then I started the water exercise program. And over the last 3 weeks things have begun to change. I look forward to going to the therapy sessions and getting into that water. I no longer care that my body looks awful. I no longer feel overwhelmed by the whole exercise process. I have discovered my way out of the doldrums. Water. I know this is not the answer for everyone. But I feel so much better now I couldn't go back. I also know that I lose interest in things easily. But I've been blogging fairly regularly for a while now. Who knows? Maybe this is a turning point for me.

I've also discovered a difference in this attempt at exercise for another reason. I'm not trying to get a good body. I've abused and misused what I had for many years. I think there is a statute of limitations on getting better looking through exercise. My goal at this point is to feel good and be able to do things without feeling worn out. In other words, to have the energy to enjoy life. And I can tell it's coming. I woke up smiling a couple of days ago. And I've started listening to music again. Before, any noise bothered me. Too tired to deal.....

I think now the most important thing is happening. I have hope again. If there is a problem and there is no hope of finding an answer, depression follows. But I have hope. That smile in the pic above is both tired from before and hopeful for now. I am not trying to hurry the process I'm in but I plan to enjoy it. I guess, for me, that's the important thing.

Just an example

The time since my surgery has played havoc with my mind. I'm in pain a lot but that isn't the only problem. The meds for the pain make me tired. The pain makes me tired. The -----pounds of fat I'm carrying make me tired. So instead of looking like the top witch I look more like the bottom one. I went to the therapy center today and the pool is actually a life saver. I'm a water child anyway. I feel better in water than anywhere else. So the pool at the therapy center has become a haven for me. I did more exercise today than I have for a long time. Of course I was tired afterward. And in some pain. But after a rest at home, I'm able to say I am feeling a lot better.

I didn't understand why I was feeling so depressed. I never factored in the results on no movement and hurting on my chemical balance. I think I should begin to look at my body as a whole thing, not just a knee or a back. I know there are people out there, even young ones, who understand about the mind and body connection. I didn't connect it till today. I'd been hearing about yoga to help women relax enough to become pregnant. And I had neglected to look at the connection between stress and physical pain and depression. Categorizing isn't  helping me much. So after putting in some good workout today and now feeling better, my mind is more clearly defining what I need to do. I have had a membership at a gym for a while. I do believe I will start to use it since they have a pool similar to the one at the Results Therapy Center. That way I can do more and get more result. Yes I do know not to overdo.  Maybe my improved state of mind is partly because I feel as if I actually did something today. Whatever the cause, I am happy for it.

It's not a joke

I'm sure you recognize Frankenstein's monster. Well, that has been my nickname for the last month. I found out that my kneecap had migrated west. Not where it's supposed to be. So I went to the Physical Therapist. I had not intended to do that because the last therapist I went to didn't do much. This one, however, told me about the knee thing, taped it up in a really wierd way, and it is on the mend. So the monster walk will soon be better. He is giving me exercises in the pool and out to work on the knee and on the back problem. And it is already working though I just started.

I have, therefore, been not growing old, and definitely not gracefully.