Hello

To my fellow fabulous women, I have been going through the spring fashion mags. Yesterday I received my copy of MORE. This magazine is supposed to be for older and more interesting women who wish to remain fashionable. And they do use older women in their articles. However, the clothing that is shown often is sleeveless. I have wings where I used to have arms. Sleeveless tops would allow me to take off and fly. If I had the energy to flap my wings.

The new spring clothes have waistlines. Some are down on the hips. Some are at normal waist height. And some are just below the bustline. (For my age group, that is normal waist height.) Anyway, since I have two bellies I wonder at which height to purchase waistlines.

The short skirt is in. Hip, Hip, Hip. I happen to have a big couple of bellies and the short skirt should stick out about 6 inches in the front. No, that won't do. OK, let's talk knee length. Now the knee length skirt is a pencil skirt or, get this, a skirt this is big at the top and small at the bottom. Of course there is a tiny waist on top which again I don't know where to put. OK. Mark that one off. I haven't even gotten to the problem with the legs. There are often a few things on our legs that no one wants to see. Especially us. Veins, scars, and sags do not a good legline make. Longer skirts were nice but are out. Way out.

Pants have become really odd. The MC Hammer look is being sported by the likes of Jennifer Lopez. These pants have hip waists on some and real waists on others. No matter where the waist, they are butt ugly on a woman's figure. They are the best example of a garment that looks better on a hanger than on a human. Designers are also showing really tight nice slacks. These look wonderful on models. Except that they remind me of high water pants. They say it's all about proportion. Obviously it's not about my proportion. But I guess we knew that. So what are we to do about pants for Spring? Wear last year's pants with something new.

Shoes are totally out there. The heels are so high and the decorations are so obvious that it would need no other adornment on the body. However, here in the South, in the Middle America group, where in the world would I wear 4 inch heels with huge bows or with lots of straps, or with clunky platforms? There would have to be an inaugural in my back yard to get me into any sort of heels. I think they are the epitome of discomfort.

So what do we spend our meager pennies on this Spring? You notice I left out shorts entirely. How about a new purse?