Was

I was not a small person. I have never been a small person. But there was a time a long, long time ago when I did have a decent figure. Now I have the rough equivalent of 2 people living inside this body.

I was a person who was terribly inhibited by a fear of failure. It is amazing what messages a person carries around with them. From childhood right through my marriage I heard messages that said, "not good enough, will never be good enough". As I said, that is what I heard. It may not have been exactly what was said, but it was what I heard. And coming from my mother and husband, I found it easy to believe them. So not trying to better myself was my response. Not once did I look at what I was doing and say, I can do better-for me. For making myself feel better, look better, have a prettier surrounding, have a more pleasant and gracious manner, etc. I bought into the messages that I heard. In my head.

The posted pics are the last ones of me at the lake in a bathing suit. About 6 or 7 years ago. Since I have eaten myself into true fatness, sat on my butt, and allowed myself to become a couch potato that wouldn't interest me if I were meeting myself for the first time. I use the back problem to excuse apathy. And I do find it hard to become passionate about anything. Notice that posting is not always quick.

So here I am, 65, fat, out of shape, out of passion, and damned mad about it because it is really all my fault. Today I will walk more than usual. Today I will shove aside the things I mentally let hold me back. Tomorrow, I don't know. Today I do.

How to do it.

I find that I am more than ever concerned about fashion. Of course that may be partly because I am more than ever not happy about my body. I am definitely in the morbidly obese range and I am facing a Catch-22 conundrum. I feel bad about the way my body looks without clothing. And I am not pleased with the way it looks with clothing. I feel really depressed when I see the pics of myself. I remind myself that this is what others are seeing when they look at me.

So I want to try to make some changes in those two things. But I said I feel bad, remember? And I feel depresses, remember? Depression is one of the biggest parts of feeling tired all the time for me, and maybe for you. I am on an antidepressant. I am also on thyroid meds and other things. Some may cause the weight to stick like glue. But I am also so in love with the sofa that I don't want to get off of it. Not that it is so comfortable, but the overcoming of inertia is really difficult. I am looking at this problem from the perspective of age now.

Fashion-Age These are two things that I don't put together. But I have discovered that Age does go along very well with style. And since I am not good at style I am using a method to help myself along.

1. I cleaned out the stuff in my closet that doesn't fit well, doesn't feel good, is shabby, is worn out, or I just don't like.

2. I am left with a lot of things that make me feel fat but at least they are presentable. And as time goes by I may figure out what to do with them.

3. I have looked at lots of fashion mags(I love them). And I have lamented that the models are toothpicks. For real. But I finally figured out how to use some of the things I find in there. I just take a pic of something I think is pretty, tear it out of the mag. I post it on a clipboard in my closet. And I start looking for things I have that might help make a copy of the look. Of course, I can't let my expectations get too high.

4. I have discovered that there are some looks that I like a lot which will require a change in my body. I am hoping that will be easier now that I have set goals.

5. I have also discovered that while some of the young things whose blogs I follow can go out and purchase stuff at full price when they want to, I simply can't. I also follow some blogs of girls who are thrifters and that is the way I shall have to go. I love vintage but there must have been no heavy women in the 40's. Of course, since I can sew, I plan to make a couple of vintagy pieces.

So far, this is where I am. Suggestions are very welcome.

I am writing

I am writing more about my attempts at fashion in another blog. Fashion seems to be different from style. And the blog is somewhat about my age. But my age is always a shock to me.

Until I get up from the sofa and try to do something.

I once heard an actor who was asked if it feels different being 40 say "It hurts".

I thought at the time, yeah right. If I were doing crazy stunts and growing wrinkles for the world to see it would hurt me too. However, not hurting at 40 was just postponing the time when it would hurt. There is a rather sad ad on TV about living with RA. It asks the question;"Are you existing or are you living?" That question can have all sorts of other connotations. I have to ask that question about spinal stenosis, torn minuscus, fat, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, being totally out of shape, allergies, and other pains in the _________.(you fill in blank)

And I have come to some surprising conclusions. I am allowing the physical problems to end my living and to put me on the just existing list. All of my life I have prided myself on being an intelligent, pragmatic person. I read and hear that moving around and becoming involved in something is the best way to promote good health and a general good attitude. This, in turn, promotes improvement in the things I have listed. So why, with the intelligence I think I have, have I not been doing those things that would make my life better? I am working on an answer to that. In the meantime, I have made some new resolutions. You notice I didn't say New Year's resolutions. That is because if I associate something with the new year, after Feb I might say to myself;"Not New Years anymore. I'm done" I am so terrific at letting myself off the hook. So If amyone has suggestions for overcoming apathy, I would love to hear them.

65+

Hello, hello, hello! I am approaching the holiday season with some sadness. Sorry but I just had to get that out.

Anyway, as I age I remember past holidays and sometimes it is a bit tough. I used to be the Mom in a family of 5 with Inlaws and my Parents in for the holidays. I would cook and clean and shop and decorate and get all excited about the lovely holiday dinner I would serve. I am an only child and I felt terrifically lucky to have that big a gathering to cook for. Of course I loved to cook for them too. But anyway, that was there and then. Now I have 3 grown children, 2 with husbands and kids, who split their time between their father's home and mine. They don't live nearby.

And they really should be home for Christmas. We went to visit my Ex's parents sometimes but not until after the Santa thing was taken care of. Hard to do when you live 9 hours away.

I see that as one of the bigger problems facing the Retired Folks now. The RF's often live in the area they raised their family in but the children rarely do. Jobs are so hard to get now that often the family must move and move often. The airlines don't make the travel home for the holidays so easy either. And often the working folks don't have enough time off to make trips. So Mom and Dad are alone during the holidays.

I am glad there are free long distance plans for cell phones. I like that I can receive pics on the internet. I am happy to send greetings through the mail and in the form of gifts to my children and grandchildren. But it just isn't the same. I yearn for the days when the kids came down the stairs rubbing their sleepy eyes and all ready to open gifts. I long for the days when I wasn't Santa. I know I need to do something to add the joy back to my holiday spirit. This year my special someone gave me an adorable puppy for a Christmas gift. Yes she is super and fits right in with our other 2 dogs(furchildren). I am too tired from staying up with her to decorate. So I tivo'd a bunch of the Christmas shows that I have loved and am playing and replaying them. It helps. And God bless us everyone.

I got a new puppy

Now I really understand why women my age don't have babies.

My Picture

I have studiously avoided having my picture taken because I hate being fat. Then I heard about being a role model for the grandkids. So I am rethinking. They see me in person. They will remember me being fat. I think it would be good for them to see me accepting myself as I am.

Dickies

I recently saw a couple of dickies from the dark ages and I was reminded that sometimes we need to change the look of our clothing. A top that is cut too low can reveal too much, including crepely skin and sagging girls. So instead of a dickie the TV sales shows are hawking inserts to cover the deep V and act as a camisole. There are also camisole bras available. However, I would like to offer an alternative. If you have a pretty scarf, you can place it inside the neckline of a dropping top. Of course this would only include relatively small scarves unless you want to emphasize a large front.

If, however, you have a scarf which is pulled, or otherwise damaged, you could cut it into a deep triangle large enough to stretch between your bra straps in front and with a little left over on the sides. Hem the piece all the way around, either by hand or on a sewing machine. Then pin the scarf under the bra straps and voila there is a dickie. And you made it.