I didn't know

I didn't know how things would change with age. I suppose no one really does. It's like becoming a parent. No matter how much you try to imagine what it's like, you just can't. And here are some things I didn't know.

1. I didn't know what thin skin was. I had always seen the veins on some older women's hands but I didn't know it wasn't that the veins grew, it was that the skin thinned. And wrinkled. And dried out. And stretched. And hurt and itched and........
2. I didn't know my hair would get more fine. Not thinner, but more fine. Either way my hair looks thin. Dammit.
3. I didn't know how much I'd want to take daily naps. And how guilty I would feel after a nap.
4. I didn't know how low my boobs would hang after the bra comes off. And I wish I still didn't know.
5. I didn't know how little I enjoy a good walk.
6. I didn't know that everything hurts. Getting out of bed in the morning has become a monologue of "Ohs, Uhs, profanity, and 5 minutes of trying to stand without the knees giving out.
7. I didn't know I would no longer be able to run.........even to the bathroom.
8. I didn't know I would still love cold weather except for the knees and back and skin and etc.
I'm sure there are more things I didn't know. Now I understand why older people consider themselves wiser. Look at how much they have learned that they didn't know.

Choices

My 71st birthday was the 7th of July. I have decided I'm a little bit boho. But, sometimes the choices are hard to make. Carol(Melissa) is one of my favorites and her look here is fabulous. But There are so many choices. Part of the meaning of Bohemian is that societal norms are not as important as being an individual who is content with themselves. So more choices.

Do you get up sometimes and want to be classy, fancy, romantic, cute, fashionable, etc? I do. I've always admired a woman who has a "look". But I can't decide what look I could do every day. Also, some of the looks I admire wouldn't be as attractive on an overweight body. I'm not saying that being overweight is unattractive but that some things just don't work as well. For instance, I have a big bust. Always have. And a relatively short neck. So when I look down at scarf or jewelry on my front, large things seem to stand out. Like a neon sign. Maybe viewed from the front they don't look bad, but from up here(eye level) they look too big.

 Then there is the lovely white-haired woman who does a great job with makeup. And with hair style. Things might look entirely different on me, no makeup, short graying brown hair. Love the look, just not on me.

 There is also sort of a problem with me wanting things to wear that are budget killers. Like this simply wonderful pink ensemble with a vaguely Asian flair. I'd give anything to have an outfit like this. I might not look so good in it. But I wouldn't care.

And there is the natural woman. She knows herself well and is able to play to her strengths. I totally envy her.

I'm stuck here making choices and my choices have a lot to do with how I feel about myself every day. My best option I think is to get dressed and look in a mirror. If I smile when I see myself I have a good day. Good choice.

Learned

Now that I am 70 years old, I have discovered me. My childhood was not one of those happy healthy experiences. My mother suffered from some personality or emotional difficulties. And then I married a man who had his own set. I thought I was the one who was not healthy and, indeed, that was true to an extent. But the problems I have had all of my life are based on a set of assumptions that make no sense when examined. I thought I was basically flawed. Not so. I am basically good and have a few flaws.

And I thought I couldn't take care of myself and needed the spouse to take care of me. Again, not so. I ended up with a very young man who had problems every bit as troubling as mine. And for a long time I took care of us both. I thought I wasn't likeable or loveable. Don't you know, another falsehood. My young man has grown to love me . We have been together 27 years and we are still strong. I thought love must be temporary. Nope. It can endure. I thought I was stuck with my faults and personality problems. Amazingly, I have found they can be dealt with.

And now I am happy. But I have learned to be happy. Happiness doesn't just drop in one's lap. It has a lot to do with one's view of life. I've been through a lot. And I survived. And flourished. I thought I could go back to situations and change them. Nope. But I don't choose to forget the past. But rather than feeling sorry for myself about difficult times, I choose to look at my survival, growth, learning, and victory as what has made me grateful, happy, and comfortable with me. Boy have I been lucky!

Done

I'm still growing old but doing it on only one blog. Just another day on earth. Thanks for your support.

How Sad

During the holiday period I always look back. Sadly. In grade school I was just hangin in. Just doing what I was told. Some of it was fun, some interesting, and some boring. I was the tallest student in the school. And the most developed. Bummer. I used to head to the woods and try to build little villages with roads and bridges and houses out of sticks. But never any people. And my play inside didn't include people doing things. Only settings.

Junior High was a strange time. I met older boys and there were bigger boys and there were cuter boys and for some reason I thought I had to have one, of my very own. Boy/girl parties happened and they were both nerve wracking and fun. Not particularly comfortable.

High School was worse. I wanted to wear some guy's class ring and go steady so everyone could see that I was special. I didn't know how to attract a boy who wanted something besides an easy time. So I continued to be confused and sort of sad.

In college I found him. The boy who wanted me for something other than an easy time. He was fun, cute, and he liked me. We got lavaliered and pinned and then engaged and married. I thought I had finally won the grand prize. Sort of like the ring on the merry-go-round at the fair. And 23 years, 3 children, and some total breakdowns later I learned the ring wasn't even brass. It was the end of dreams. Where I had once been part of a family, I was alone. Due to my unstable emotions he took the children, the house, and everything else I had. My father and mother were both gone and I had no siblings. All of this happened between Sept 1 and Nov 29, different years. So the season that I loved the most was the season of loss for me.

I now know that the emptiness I felt then is a permanent part of me. I have had 26 years to remember Thanksgivings and Christmases with children, husband, extended family, etc. My holidays now consist of a mean with my partner's mom on Thanksgiving, and a meal with my partner on Christmas. I am aware I could go out and maybe do some volunteer work. But my physical health is prohibitive.

I also know that I am not alone in these feelings. Most, if not all, of the people my age have experienced loses. Some have lost many. Sadness at this time of year is not the least bit unusual. I haven't figured out a way to avoid it. At the same time I haven't let it completely sink me. I just wanted to let a few of you know that there are others out there who are sad at this time of year. And this too shall pass.

Disgracefully

I am amazed. I'm 70 now and I don't feel any different. At all. Oh, the back hurts more and the knees hurt more but that happened before 70. If anything, I'm relieved to have reached this advanced age. And I've learned so many things along the way. Such as the fact that thin skin happens. No matter what you do to stop it. Tanning went out for me a long time ago. My dad died of melanoma so no tanning for me. I have lost weight, not due to my own devices. And skin now waves around like eddies in a stream. It's sort of cute, if you like that sort of thing. And some things are harder. I spend a little more time staring at the open fridge or pantry trying to remember what I opened it for. What I wanted to eat. Did I eat already? What time is it anyway? Should I be hungry? Oh, well, I'll come back when I remember.

In some ways I'm more organized. I write things down. Several times. And sometimes I remember where I laid the list. I've tried to keep it near my bag so it goes to the store with me. And sometimes it works.

Little things don't bother me much anymore. My son has gone his own way with wife and kids and doesn't have time for me any more. My response? Their loss. I'm sending gifts to the kids but I'm not in touch with him much. I texted him to text me back Happy Birthday. Finally he did. Some day he'll get his act together maybe. Till then the two girls and my fabulous boyfriend are so good to me.

I've added one fantastic thing to my life. When I was married I had a sis in law and bro in law that I rarely saw. Not my doing. Anyway, 25 years later we have finally gotten together and become family. It seems that my husband was the barrier and we just overcame it. Knocked it down, kicked it aside, and joyfully started getting to really know each other. It has been earth shattering for me. I'm a true introvert and have a lot of trouble socially so having family come back into my life is the best thing ever.

Getting old is not what I thought it would be. I don't have different interests. I still like rock music, and classical, and big band, etc. I still love art. And craft, and reading, and color, and light, and fashion, and anything new I can learn. I still love to go to the mountains, and the lake, and sit by a fire, and smiles and gratitude. My dogs are my kids now. Sometimes they even mind.

I've heard that you grow old because you quit playing. I don't think I'll quit any time soon.

Time passes

Time passes even when you aren't paying attention. I noticed

 that my face has dents and wrinkles where there used to be none.

I thought I'd hate it. But if Dame Judi Dench can make aging look

this good why should I worry? I had weight loss surgery and after

a 60 pound loss the wrinkles showed up quickly. But I am

valuing them as a symbol of my continued ability to learn

new tricks.