How Sad

During the holiday period I always look back. Sadly. In grade school I was just hangin in. Just doing what I was told. Some of it was fun, some interesting, and some boring. I was the tallest student in the school. And the most developed. Bummer. I used to head to the woods and try to build little villages with roads and bridges and houses out of sticks. But never any people. And my play inside didn't include people doing things. Only settings.

Junior High was a strange time. I met older boys and there were bigger boys and there were cuter boys and for some reason I thought I had to have one, of my very own. Boy/girl parties happened and they were both nerve wracking and fun. Not particularly comfortable.

High School was worse. I wanted to wear some guy's class ring and go steady so everyone could see that I was special. I didn't know how to attract a boy who wanted something besides an easy time. So I continued to be confused and sort of sad.

In college I found him. The boy who wanted me for something other than an easy time. He was fun, cute, and he liked me. We got lavaliered and pinned and then engaged and married. I thought I had finally won the grand prize. Sort of like the ring on the merry-go-round at the fair. And 23 years, 3 children, and some total breakdowns later I learned the ring wasn't even brass. It was the end of dreams. Where I had once been part of a family, I was alone. Due to my unstable emotions he took the children, the house, and everything else I had. My father and mother were both gone and I had no siblings. All of this happened between Sept 1 and Nov 29, different years. So the season that I loved the most was the season of loss for me.

I now know that the emptiness I felt then is a permanent part of me. I have had 26 years to remember Thanksgivings and Christmases with children, husband, extended family, etc. My holidays now consist of a mean with my partner's mom on Thanksgiving, and a meal with my partner on Christmas. I am aware I could go out and maybe do some volunteer work. But my physical health is prohibitive.

I also know that I am not alone in these feelings. Most, if not all, of the people my age have experienced loses. Some have lost many. Sadness at this time of year is not the least bit unusual. I haven't figured out a way to avoid it. At the same time I haven't let it completely sink me. I just wanted to let a few of you know that there are others out there who are sad at this time of year. And this too shall pass.