How Sad

During the holiday period I always look back. Sadly. In grade school I was just hangin in. Just doing what I was told. Some of it was fun, some interesting, and some boring. I was the tallest student in the school. And the most developed. Bummer. I used to head to the woods and try to build little villages with roads and bridges and houses out of sticks. But never any people. And my play inside didn't include people doing things. Only settings.

Junior High was a strange time. I met older boys and there were bigger boys and there were cuter boys and for some reason I thought I had to have one, of my very own. Boy/girl parties happened and they were both nerve wracking and fun. Not particularly comfortable.

High School was worse. I wanted to wear some guy's class ring and go steady so everyone could see that I was special. I didn't know how to attract a boy who wanted something besides an easy time. So I continued to be confused and sort of sad.

In college I found him. The boy who wanted me for something other than an easy time. He was fun, cute, and he liked me. We got lavaliered and pinned and then engaged and married. I thought I had finally won the grand prize. Sort of like the ring on the merry-go-round at the fair. And 23 years, 3 children, and some total breakdowns later I learned the ring wasn't even brass. It was the end of dreams. Where I had once been part of a family, I was alone. Due to my unstable emotions he took the children, the house, and everything else I had. My father and mother were both gone and I had no siblings. All of this happened between Sept 1 and Nov 29, different years. So the season that I loved the most was the season of loss for me.

I now know that the emptiness I felt then is a permanent part of me. I have had 26 years to remember Thanksgivings and Christmases with children, husband, extended family, etc. My holidays now consist of a mean with my partner's mom on Thanksgiving, and a meal with my partner on Christmas. I am aware I could go out and maybe do some volunteer work. But my physical health is prohibitive.

I also know that I am not alone in these feelings. Most, if not all, of the people my age have experienced loses. Some have lost many. Sadness at this time of year is not the least bit unusual. I haven't figured out a way to avoid it. At the same time I haven't let it completely sink me. I just wanted to let a few of you know that there are others out there who are sad at this time of year. And this too shall pass.

Disgracefully

I am amazed. I'm 70 now and I don't feel any different. At all. Oh, the back hurts more and the knees hurt more but that happened before 70. If anything, I'm relieved to have reached this advanced age. And I've learned so many things along the way. Such as the fact that thin skin happens. No matter what you do to stop it. Tanning went out for me a long time ago. My dad died of melanoma so no tanning for me. I have lost weight, not due to my own devices. And skin now waves around like eddies in a stream. It's sort of cute, if you like that sort of thing. And some things are harder. I spend a little more time staring at the open fridge or pantry trying to remember what I opened it for. What I wanted to eat. Did I eat already? What time is it anyway? Should I be hungry? Oh, well, I'll come back when I remember.

In some ways I'm more organized. I write things down. Several times. And sometimes I remember where I laid the list. I've tried to keep it near my bag so it goes to the store with me. And sometimes it works.

Little things don't bother me much anymore. My son has gone his own way with wife and kids and doesn't have time for me any more. My response? Their loss. I'm sending gifts to the kids but I'm not in touch with him much. I texted him to text me back Happy Birthday. Finally he did. Some day he'll get his act together maybe. Till then the two girls and my fabulous boyfriend are so good to me.

I've added one fantastic thing to my life. When I was married I had a sis in law and bro in law that I rarely saw. Not my doing. Anyway, 25 years later we have finally gotten together and become family. It seems that my husband was the barrier and we just overcame it. Knocked it down, kicked it aside, and joyfully started getting to really know each other. It has been earth shattering for me. I'm a true introvert and have a lot of trouble socially so having family come back into my life is the best thing ever.

Getting old is not what I thought it would be. I don't have different interests. I still like rock music, and classical, and big band, etc. I still love art. And craft, and reading, and color, and light, and fashion, and anything new I can learn. I still love to go to the mountains, and the lake, and sit by a fire, and smiles and gratitude. My dogs are my kids now. Sometimes they even mind.

I've heard that you grow old because you quit playing. I don't think I'll quit any time soon.

Time passes

Time passes even when you aren't paying attention. I noticed

 that my face has dents and wrinkles where there used to be none.

I thought I'd hate it. But if Dame Judi Dench can make aging look

this good why should I worry? I had weight loss surgery and after

a 60 pound loss the wrinkles showed up quickly. But I am

valuing them as a symbol of my continued ability to learn

new tricks.

Smooth skin

We know that the aging process causes sagging, wrinkles, loss of strength, sometimes forgetfulness and a host of other things that creep in with the years. But, I have found that since my mind still sees me as young, and I have learned a lot, I'm now better than I ever was. No, I don't think smooth skin is a big loss. Yes, I do love looking at young beautiful women and men. But beauty isn't just smooth skin. It's self confidence, a thing a lot of young people don't have. It's wisdom, another thing a lot of young people don't have. And it's freedom. Freedom from being a slave to opinion, fashion, expectation, the need to fit in, etc. And boy am I glad I'm there.

It should be fun!

Those of you who have lived a lot of years have probably been through a lot too. I know I have. And somewhere along the way I lost my sense of fun. I had some really bad times during the period of my divorce and I lost a lot. Especially my sense of self. I remember that my then boyfriend/fiance was into having a lot of fun. Fraternity things, trips to the mountains to play, a few parties, etc. But after marriage, things were increasingly getting serious. We had good friends, and did a lot. More of the he and his buddies went out and we wives were supposed to get  together and have fun. Right. The one I wanted to have fun with was out with the boys. Anyway, over the years, there were fewer good times and fewer fun times. I suppose you'll say that that is the way it is supposed to be. But I beg to differ. I just don't understand why fun can't be a part of every day life. I have heard that laughter is good for health. Luckily I'm fairly healthy without it. But I have found that fun doesn't just drop on the doorstep. You have to look for it, maybe even work at it. My life is as different now as it's possible to be. Instead of depending on my honey for fun, I'm on a mission to find it and embrace it myself.

Stress, dammit

 I am 69, almost 70. I definitely qualify for the senior citizen discount. But there is a problem. I can't seem to get my mind to catch up with my years. I don't feel any older than I did 20 years ago. I use that limit because I can't remember back much farther than that. I've heard the statement that it would be nice to know what I know now and be 20. I can't imagine it. I think I'd be crazy.

 There is one thing that has changed about me since I've grown up(old). I don't want to wear the things I wore, think the things I thought, do the things I did, etc. I want to still be new.

The stress comes in when I try to do the new things and think the new thoughts, and dress a new way. But my (old) body won't do those things. Maybe that's why I am still alive. If I figure it all out, I won't need to hang around. If anyone has figured out why they still feel young, please let me know.

It needs a No Fear sticker

I am amazed by how little stupidity I'm willing to stomach. I've heard sayings like-Pick Your Battles-You Only Live Once. But day to day living turns out to be much more than a saying. I've felt as if I don't fit into whatever group I'm around all my life. Now I feel like I'm a group by myself. I've lived in a cliquish society here in the South. Debutantes and women's clubs and sororities and charitable organizations. When in high school we listed the activities in the yearbook. I don't know if there is a resume for those clubs but I suspect there is. Meanwhile I'm still reading and looking and watching to see 

where I fit. And I've made a couple of discoveries.

First. I don't need to fit. It's something I thought I must do. Wear the right clothes, go to some nice places, indulge myself in activities. But no! I can wear the clothes I like. I do like going to a nice place once in a while. And I'm in control of activities. I watch Downton Abbey, BBC and other shows on TV that show me how the other half live. I find that when I get up in the morning, I want to dress in a way that makes me feel like I look good-----to me. I want to lose some more weight-----for me.

Bette Davis said that old age is not for sissies. I think I am no longer a sissy.

Ya Think?

I'll turn 70 this year. I've had some huge changes in the last year and I'm still going to have to deal with them. But I've also been able to let my thoughts wander some.

Skinny jeans can't be called skinny jeans if the person wearing them isn't skinny. Then they are just tight jeans.

I have had a large bust all of my adult life. I can't imaging putting a big thick bulky scarf around my neck. I'd never see the floor.

I'm going to get a hair cut today. I've been debating about what to do with my mop. I've seen some fashion sites where the models' hair actually looks like a mop. I suppose that, in an effort to look as if there has been no effort, there really has been no effort. I'd feel awful going out without combing my hair and I don't know why it's a good thing.

I've heard that leggings aren't pants. Works for me but why do a lot of young women not get that?

If you wear your jeans/pants below the waist, it makes you look as if you have a big waist. And if your belly, hips, or rear pooches out, you need to get a mirror.

There are uniforms. Tight jeans, boots, scarves, tops, big hair, statement necklace, and a MK bag. It seems everyone's gotta do it up to the age of 50. Sadly I think they should stop at 30.

What sort of statement is a statement necklace supposed to  make?

I read fashion books and magazines. I read about a signature look or a signature scent. I've discovered that having ADD is counter to the signature thing. I like change. If I'm in a bad mood I'll wear his cologne.

I have always been a fan of flats. I look like Frankenstein trying to walk in heels. And I have big feet. So the big clunky shoes shown by some of the designers turn me off. Remind me of KISS in the early days.

OK. For years I've been told and have heard that socks with sandals are something old people wear and that they look awful. I still believe it.

I'll be back soon with more on the older person's perspective on fashion.