I didn't know

I didn't know how things would change with age. I suppose no one really does. It's like becoming a parent. No matter how much you try to imagine what it's like, you just can't. And here are some things I didn't know.

1. I didn't know what thin skin was. I had always seen the veins on some older women's hands but I didn't know it wasn't that the veins grew, it was that the skin thinned. And wrinkled. And dried out. And stretched. And hurt and itched and........
2. I didn't know my hair would get more fine. Not thinner, but more fine. Either way my hair looks thin. Dammit.
3. I didn't know how much I'd want to take daily naps. And how guilty I would feel after a nap.
4. I didn't know how low my boobs would hang after the bra comes off. And I wish I still didn't know.
5. I didn't know how little I enjoy a good walk.
6. I didn't know that everything hurts. Getting out of bed in the morning has become a monologue of "Ohs, Uhs, profanity, and 5 minutes of trying to stand without the knees giving out.
7. I didn't know I would no longer be able to run.........even to the bathroom.
8. I didn't know I would still love cold weather except for the knees and back and skin and etc.
I'm sure there are more things I didn't know. Now I understand why older people consider themselves wiser. Look at how much they have learned that they didn't know.

Choices

My 71st birthday was the 7th of July. I have decided I'm a little bit boho. But, sometimes the choices are hard to make. Carol(Melissa) is one of my favorites and her look here is fabulous. But There are so many choices. Part of the meaning of Bohemian is that societal norms are not as important as being an individual who is content with themselves. So more choices.

Do you get up sometimes and want to be classy, fancy, romantic, cute, fashionable, etc? I do. I've always admired a woman who has a "look". But I can't decide what look I could do every day. Also, some of the looks I admire wouldn't be as attractive on an overweight body. I'm not saying that being overweight is unattractive but that some things just don't work as well. For instance, I have a big bust. Always have. And a relatively short neck. So when I look down at scarf or jewelry on my front, large things seem to stand out. Like a neon sign. Maybe viewed from the front they don't look bad, but from up here(eye level) they look too big.

 Then there is the lovely white-haired woman who does a great job with makeup. And with hair style. Things might look entirely different on me, no makeup, short graying brown hair. Love the look, just not on me.

 There is also sort of a problem with me wanting things to wear that are budget killers. Like this simply wonderful pink ensemble with a vaguely Asian flair. I'd give anything to have an outfit like this. I might not look so good in it. But I wouldn't care.

And there is the natural woman. She knows herself well and is able to play to her strengths. I totally envy her.

I'm stuck here making choices and my choices have a lot to do with how I feel about myself every day. My best option I think is to get dressed and look in a mirror. If I smile when I see myself I have a good day. Good choice.

Learned

Now that I am 70 years old, I have discovered me. My childhood was not one of those happy healthy experiences. My mother suffered from some personality or emotional difficulties. And then I married a man who had his own set. I thought I was the one who was not healthy and, indeed, that was true to an extent. But the problems I have had all of my life are based on a set of assumptions that make no sense when examined. I thought I was basically flawed. Not so. I am basically good and have a few flaws.

And I thought I couldn't take care of myself and needed the spouse to take care of me. Again, not so. I ended up with a very young man who had problems every bit as troubling as mine. And for a long time I took care of us both. I thought I wasn't likeable or loveable. Don't you know, another falsehood. My young man has grown to love me . We have been together 27 years and we are still strong. I thought love must be temporary. Nope. It can endure. I thought I was stuck with my faults and personality problems. Amazingly, I have found they can be dealt with.

And now I am happy. But I have learned to be happy. Happiness doesn't just drop in one's lap. It has a lot to do with one's view of life. I've been through a lot. And I survived. And flourished. I thought I could go back to situations and change them. Nope. But I don't choose to forget the past. But rather than feeling sorry for myself about difficult times, I choose to look at my survival, growth, learning, and victory as what has made me grateful, happy, and comfortable with me. Boy have I been lucky!

Done

I'm still growing old but doing it on only one blog. Just another day on earth. Thanks for your support.

How Sad

During the holiday period I always look back. Sadly. In grade school I was just hangin in. Just doing what I was told. Some of it was fun, some interesting, and some boring. I was the tallest student in the school. And the most developed. Bummer. I used to head to the woods and try to build little villages with roads and bridges and houses out of sticks. But never any people. And my play inside didn't include people doing things. Only settings.

Junior High was a strange time. I met older boys and there were bigger boys and there were cuter boys and for some reason I thought I had to have one, of my very own. Boy/girl parties happened and they were both nerve wracking and fun. Not particularly comfortable.

High School was worse. I wanted to wear some guy's class ring and go steady so everyone could see that I was special. I didn't know how to attract a boy who wanted something besides an easy time. So I continued to be confused and sort of sad.

In college I found him. The boy who wanted me for something other than an easy time. He was fun, cute, and he liked me. We got lavaliered and pinned and then engaged and married. I thought I had finally won the grand prize. Sort of like the ring on the merry-go-round at the fair. And 23 years, 3 children, and some total breakdowns later I learned the ring wasn't even brass. It was the end of dreams. Where I had once been part of a family, I was alone. Due to my unstable emotions he took the children, the house, and everything else I had. My father and mother were both gone and I had no siblings. All of this happened between Sept 1 and Nov 29, different years. So the season that I loved the most was the season of loss for me.

I now know that the emptiness I felt then is a permanent part of me. I have had 26 years to remember Thanksgivings and Christmases with children, husband, extended family, etc. My holidays now consist of a mean with my partner's mom on Thanksgiving, and a meal with my partner on Christmas. I am aware I could go out and maybe do some volunteer work. But my physical health is prohibitive.

I also know that I am not alone in these feelings. Most, if not all, of the people my age have experienced loses. Some have lost many. Sadness at this time of year is not the least bit unusual. I haven't figured out a way to avoid it. At the same time I haven't let it completely sink me. I just wanted to let a few of you know that there are others out there who are sad at this time of year. And this too shall pass.

Disgracefully

I am amazed. I'm 70 now and I don't feel any different. At all. Oh, the back hurts more and the knees hurt more but that happened before 70. If anything, I'm relieved to have reached this advanced age. And I've learned so many things along the way. Such as the fact that thin skin happens. No matter what you do to stop it. Tanning went out for me a long time ago. My dad died of melanoma so no tanning for me. I have lost weight, not due to my own devices. And skin now waves around like eddies in a stream. It's sort of cute, if you like that sort of thing. And some things are harder. I spend a little more time staring at the open fridge or pantry trying to remember what I opened it for. What I wanted to eat. Did I eat already? What time is it anyway? Should I be hungry? Oh, well, I'll come back when I remember.

In some ways I'm more organized. I write things down. Several times. And sometimes I remember where I laid the list. I've tried to keep it near my bag so it goes to the store with me. And sometimes it works.

Little things don't bother me much anymore. My son has gone his own way with wife and kids and doesn't have time for me any more. My response? Their loss. I'm sending gifts to the kids but I'm not in touch with him much. I texted him to text me back Happy Birthday. Finally he did. Some day he'll get his act together maybe. Till then the two girls and my fabulous boyfriend are so good to me.

I've added one fantastic thing to my life. When I was married I had a sis in law and bro in law that I rarely saw. Not my doing. Anyway, 25 years later we have finally gotten together and become family. It seems that my husband was the barrier and we just overcame it. Knocked it down, kicked it aside, and joyfully started getting to really know each other. It has been earth shattering for me. I'm a true introvert and have a lot of trouble socially so having family come back into my life is the best thing ever.

Getting old is not what I thought it would be. I don't have different interests. I still like rock music, and classical, and big band, etc. I still love art. And craft, and reading, and color, and light, and fashion, and anything new I can learn. I still love to go to the mountains, and the lake, and sit by a fire, and smiles and gratitude. My dogs are my kids now. Sometimes they even mind.

I've heard that you grow old because you quit playing. I don't think I'll quit any time soon.

Time passes

Time passes even when you aren't paying attention. I noticed

 that my face has dents and wrinkles where there used to be none.

I thought I'd hate it. But if Dame Judi Dench can make aging look

this good why should I worry? I had weight loss surgery and after

a 60 pound loss the wrinkles showed up quickly. But I am

valuing them as a symbol of my continued ability to learn

new tricks.

Smooth skin

We know that the aging process causes sagging, wrinkles, loss of strength, sometimes forgetfulness and a host of other things that creep in with the years. But, I have found that since my mind still sees me as young, and I have learned a lot, I'm now better than I ever was. No, I don't think smooth skin is a big loss. Yes, I do love looking at young beautiful women and men. But beauty isn't just smooth skin. It's self confidence, a thing a lot of young people don't have. It's wisdom, another thing a lot of young people don't have. And it's freedom. Freedom from being a slave to opinion, fashion, expectation, the need to fit in, etc. And boy am I glad I'm there.

It should be fun!

Those of you who have lived a lot of years have probably been through a lot too. I know I have. And somewhere along the way I lost my sense of fun. I had some really bad times during the period of my divorce and I lost a lot. Especially my sense of self. I remember that my then boyfriend/fiance was into having a lot of fun. Fraternity things, trips to the mountains to play, a few parties, etc. But after marriage, things were increasingly getting serious. We had good friends, and did a lot. More of the he and his buddies went out and we wives were supposed to get  together and have fun. Right. The one I wanted to have fun with was out with the boys. Anyway, over the years, there were fewer good times and fewer fun times. I suppose you'll say that that is the way it is supposed to be. But I beg to differ. I just don't understand why fun can't be a part of every day life. I have heard that laughter is good for health. Luckily I'm fairly healthy without it. But I have found that fun doesn't just drop on the doorstep. You have to look for it, maybe even work at it. My life is as different now as it's possible to be. Instead of depending on my honey for fun, I'm on a mission to find it and embrace it myself.

Stress, dammit

 I am 69, almost 70. I definitely qualify for the senior citizen discount. But there is a problem. I can't seem to get my mind to catch up with my years. I don't feel any older than I did 20 years ago. I use that limit because I can't remember back much farther than that. I've heard the statement that it would be nice to know what I know now and be 20. I can't imagine it. I think I'd be crazy.

 There is one thing that has changed about me since I've grown up(old). I don't want to wear the things I wore, think the things I thought, do the things I did, etc. I want to still be new.

The stress comes in when I try to do the new things and think the new thoughts, and dress a new way. But my (old) body won't do those things. Maybe that's why I am still alive. If I figure it all out, I won't need to hang around. If anyone has figured out why they still feel young, please let me know.

It needs a No Fear sticker

I am amazed by how little stupidity I'm willing to stomach. I've heard sayings like-Pick Your Battles-You Only Live Once. But day to day living turns out to be much more than a saying. I've felt as if I don't fit into whatever group I'm around all my life. Now I feel like I'm a group by myself. I've lived in a cliquish society here in the South. Debutantes and women's clubs and sororities and charitable organizations. When in high school we listed the activities in the yearbook. I don't know if there is a resume for those clubs but I suspect there is. Meanwhile I'm still reading and looking and watching to see 

where I fit. And I've made a couple of discoveries.

First. I don't need to fit. It's something I thought I must do. Wear the right clothes, go to some nice places, indulge myself in activities. But no! I can wear the clothes I like. I do like going to a nice place once in a while. And I'm in control of activities. I watch Downton Abbey, BBC and other shows on TV that show me how the other half live. I find that when I get up in the morning, I want to dress in a way that makes me feel like I look good-----to me. I want to lose some more weight-----for me.

Bette Davis said that old age is not for sissies. I think I am no longer a sissy.

Ya Think?

I'll turn 70 this year. I've had some huge changes in the last year and I'm still going to have to deal with them. But I've also been able to let my thoughts wander some.

Skinny jeans can't be called skinny jeans if the person wearing them isn't skinny. Then they are just tight jeans.

I have had a large bust all of my adult life. I can't imaging putting a big thick bulky scarf around my neck. I'd never see the floor.

I'm going to get a hair cut today. I've been debating about what to do with my mop. I've seen some fashion sites where the models' hair actually looks like a mop. I suppose that, in an effort to look as if there has been no effort, there really has been no effort. I'd feel awful going out without combing my hair and I don't know why it's a good thing.

I've heard that leggings aren't pants. Works for me but why do a lot of young women not get that?

If you wear your jeans/pants below the waist, it makes you look as if you have a big waist. And if your belly, hips, or rear pooches out, you need to get a mirror.

There are uniforms. Tight jeans, boots, scarves, tops, big hair, statement necklace, and a MK bag. It seems everyone's gotta do it up to the age of 50. Sadly I think they should stop at 30.

What sort of statement is a statement necklace supposed to  make?

I read fashion books and magazines. I read about a signature look or a signature scent. I've discovered that having ADD is counter to the signature thing. I like change. If I'm in a bad mood I'll wear his cologne.

I have always been a fan of flats. I look like Frankenstein trying to walk in heels. And I have big feet. So the big clunky shoes shown by some of the designers turn me off. Remind me of KISS in the early days.

OK. For years I've been told and have heard that socks with sandals are something old people wear and that they look awful. I still believe it.

I'll be back soon with more on the older person's perspective on fashion.

A new look at old me

I am recovering nicely from the bariatric surgery and my weight has dropped nicely. I'm tired of liquid. I'm ready for a steak. At least I thought I was. So I tried some soup with some pieces in it and I have found out that I'm not ready for steak. Or even crackers. I go back to the Doctor a week from Tuesday and I get the dreaded pureed food. One of my friends had a broken jaw many years ago. He's not in love with pureed food. Especially pureed pizza. So how am I to handle the next phase? I'm hoping spices will help. I can imagine pureed chicken in broth with a little curry or some chicken spice. Maybe a puree of crab meat with lemon. Scaring you yet? It does me. I've read that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I understand in a way. But right now, I want both.

Dreaming

I have forgotten her name. She lives in California and is a jewelry designer with her own shop. I'm impressed with her because she looks very comfortable in her own skin. She is obviously a beautiful woman and has a style all her own. I've always aspired to that and to exude confidence. I'm not good at it. Even when I seem confident I'm not.  I had hoped that by the time I hit 60 I'd be there. Does it ever happen? I'm still waiting.

There's just one thing

I'm OK with how things are going on the path to the weight loss surgery. But I have discovered that some of the high protein supplements I'm taking actually taste worse than baby food. I'm taking powdered vitamins that are mixed with water. They are supposed to be orange flavor. They are really cardboard box flavor. I'm really glad there are squirt bottles of crystal light. Also some of the shake mixes are nasty. I've been forced to add flavors there too. But you know, that's actually a good thing. I'll be learning to plan stuff and to take something that tastes nasty and make it taste better. For the first 4 weeks after the surgery I'll be on liquids. So innovation will have to be the order of the day. I've never been good at that. Except when backed up against a wall. I'm glad to announce that I have hit the wall. If anyone has ideas for making any of the supplements taste better, I'd welcome them.

ch-ch-ch-changes

I think there are some ways that we age that are the same in all of us. For example, sometimes we lose people we care about and we must adjust to living without them. Sometimes there are new aches and pains in our bodies that cause our favorite activities to be a little less fun. If our hearing is less robust, the TV gets louder. If we were low energy folks, we don't change into athletes and if we were athletes we don't usually become couch potatoes.

One thing about aging that is universal is that it brings changes. I've been a couch potato for the last couple of years. My overweight body told me that if I don't do something soon to get up and move, I'll be moving into a wheel chair. That may be OK eventually and I do enjoy a good ride. But not now. I spent the morning doing the surgery prep things at the hospital. I've never been poked more, stuck more, or paid out more money before any other surgery.Maybe the insurance companies believe in erring on the side of safety. In other words, covering their asses. If so, I'll admit that it makes me feel much more secure in my choices of late. And I'm looking forward to a new day.

One other thing that has changed for me is that I have a new sister. She is the sister of my former husband. He and she weren't close and when we divorced he told me she didn't want to hear from me and to leave his family alone. Since I'm an only child with no other family I felt the loss of his family terribly. Well, brave girl that she is, she contacted me recently with the idea that we could meet and talk. It's been about 8 months and I can't get over how much her friendship has changed my life. I'm no longer without family. She and her husband are my family and I'm in love with the idea that I can phone her and she is glad to hear from me. It's a little thing but what a great change.

Judy's big new year

I finally got approved for the sleeve surgery which will occur on Feb. 24. I'm trying to get emotionally ready for it. It only took 6 weeks for the insurance company to realize they are carrying my insurance next year and give the go ahead. So in the meantime, it took 6 weeks for the flooring I ordered to be located and sent to town. It comes tomorrow and is supposed to be installed next week. And I lost a crown and have an appt with the dentist Wed. I hope he'll pull the danged thing. And my honey's grandmother died. And our computer broke down and the repair person doesn't seem to be able to fix it. So my honey, who is a big gamer, has been out of sorts in a major way. So he works in a building with no heat and holes and is on the river and Tues of last week it was six degrees inside and he came home early. No computer. Geesh. It's only Jan 13 and I may be tired of 2014 already.

Surgery

My refresh button is going to be bariatric surgery. I am waiting for the approval by the insurance company and then it will be scheduled. I hate the fact that I need to have the surgery because I always have a problem with anesthetic. But I hate continuing down the path I'm on even more. I have had a weight problem most of my life. When I was younger I had some control. But now, not so much. And I learned that after you pass a certain body mass index, there is a shift in the hormone balances and it is twice as hard to lose weight and almost impossible to keep it off. So because of the other health issues I have which are aggravated by the excess weight, I'm going to do the surgery.

I am thinking that all of the things I've learned so far say that I need to communicate with others when post surgery. I've joined a bariatric support site on the computer. But I thought I might do well to take my readers on this journey with me. A person can always use support. And maybe someone has been thinking about the surgery and would like to read my experiences. So as I wait for the insurance company to approve me, I'll start sharing my feelings and my activities. I hope for good luck with this step.

Sometimes it's not age

I'm having the most confusing time I've had in a long time. I've signed up for bariatric surgery and I'm waiting for the insurance company to let the doctor know they will pay for it and then they will call me and set up a time for the surgery. I've already had a conference with the doctor about the type of surgery and that is set. I've had lots of fluids taken and tested. I've had testing with a psychologist and  I'm taking iron and had a vitamin D shot.

I was told to go on a 1200 calorie diet. That's really funny because if I could stick to that I wouldn't have needed to have the surgery. Meanwhile I'm wondering where I should be on the diabetes. And I've been told that I won't be able to take pills after the surgery for quite a while. And I'm supposed to find other ways to take the meds I need. And I'm supposed to be exercising. And that is part of why I need the surgery. Bad back and bad knees limit exercise. I went on a cpap and I'm not needing naps as much during the day. But I'd love to have more of the energy that some folks talk about.

Now for the fun. Iron stops me up so I take something to fix that. It works too well often. The cpap helps with breathing at night so I don't snore but does nothing for the stopped up nose due to allergies. And none of the things I've been doing are helping my memory. I still can't think of words sometimes. I suppose I was expecting too much too soon. I guess I need to be more patient. But I'm 68 and sometimes I become impatient.

Isn't it fun to get old?

Sometimes it just comes

I have had to make a lot of decisions in the last few months. I'm 68 now and I don't want the next 10 years to be like the last ten. I've been aware of the lost memory, slowed reflexes, weight gain, decreased mobility and many more things that have happened to me. I am also aware that much of the problems stems from poor behavior on my part.(too sedentary, too much and the wrong foods, etc) But now I am faced with decision time. I'm in the beginning of an upcoming weight loss surgery. There are tons of things to learn and to do. I know there are big changes coming in all parts of my life and I'm going to chronicle these changes on this blog in case anyone is faced with the same things and in case anyone has a health care decision to make. I'm usually not afraid of change but I am always afraid that I can't do something that is difficult. I'm going to reach out for support and I'd appreciate any information anyone has on this surgery.