Thursday, January 20, 2011
I was not a small person. I have never been a small person. But there was a time a long, long time ago when I did have a decent figure. Now I have the rough equivalent of 2 people living inside this body.
I was a person who was terribly inhibited by a fear of failure. It is amazing what messages a person carries around with them. From childhood right through my marriage I heard messages that said, "not good enough, will never be good enough". As I said, that is what I heard. It may not have been exactly what was said, but it was what I heard. And coming from my mother and husband, I found it easy to believe them. So not trying to better myself was my response. Not once did I look at what I was doing and say, I can do better-for me. For making myself feel better, look better, have a prettier surrounding, have a more pleasant and gracious manner, etc. I bought into the messages that I heard. In my head.
The posted pics are the last ones of me at the lake in a bathing suit. About 6 or 7 years ago. Since I have eaten myself into true fatness, sat on my butt, and allowed myself to become a couch potato that wouldn't interest me if I were meeting myself for the first time. I use the back problem to excuse apathy. And I do find it hard to become passionate about anything. Notice that posting is not always quick.
So here I am, 65, fat, out of shape, out of passion, and damned mad about it because it is really all my fault. Today I will walk more than usual. Today I will shove aside the things I mentally let hold me back. Tomorrow, I don't know. Today I do.