Thursday, January 20, 2011


I was not a small person. I have never been a small person. But there was a time a long, long time ago when I did have a decent figure. Now I have the rough equivalent of 2 people living inside this body.

I was a person who was terribly inhibited by a fear of failure. It is amazing what messages a person carries around with them. From childhood right through my marriage I heard messages that said, "not good enough, will never be good enough". As I said, that is what I heard. It may not have been exactly what was said, but it was what I heard. And coming from my mother and husband, I found it easy to believe them. So not trying to better myself was my response. Not once did I look at what I was doing and say, I can do better-for me. For making myself feel better, look better, have a prettier surrounding, have a more pleasant and gracious manner, etc. I bought into the messages that I heard. In my head.

The posted pics are the last ones of me at the lake in a bathing suit. About 6 or 7 years ago. Since I have eaten myself into true fatness, sat on my butt, and allowed myself to become a couch potato that wouldn't interest me if I were meeting myself for the first time. I use the back problem to excuse apathy. And I do find it hard to become passionate about anything. Notice that posting is not always quick.

So here I am, 65, fat, out of shape, out of passion, and damned mad about it because it is really all my fault. Today I will walk more than usual. Today I will shove aside the things I mentally let hold me back. Tomorrow, I don't know. Today I do.


  1. I understand much of what you are saying. The "not good enough" messages are something I am still battling at almost-64. It is hard to get motivated and stay motivated to shed destructive behaviors and mindset. I wish you courage, my friend. Maybe we can encourage each other!

  2. Girly, YES YES YES YES YES!!! It's never too late and you'd be AMAZED at what your body can do! It really is so important the words we tell ourselves. I work at a gym and my good friend, who is a trainer, tells her clients all the time, "Why should your legs firm up; you're always putting them down! Don't you think they hear that?" I believe that....think of how good your body has been to you to keep you alive and happy thus far. I wrote about this for a local paper. Just focus on the healthy habits and forget about the weight. Exercise every day, eat well and drink lots of water and then let your body do what it's going to do. What an exciting time for you! ~Serene

  3. The Elegant Bohemian has put my thoughts into words far better than I could.
    You can do it. Treat every day as a new challenge. I hate excercise but "treat myself" to 30 minutes a day of "me time", where I practice yoga, meditation, swim or walk. You have a beautiful face and the body you deserve will be yours SOON. xxx

  4. You are so right. Today you can control. Tomorrow you can't, and you can't change the past. Every day is a chance at a new beginning. We support you!

  5. All I can say is...YES!!!! Go! Do it! How wonderful to start anew, no matter when, in spite of whatever :0)

  6. You can do it! I started Weight Watchers for the first time this year. I was always embarrassed to do it because I thought I should be able to just fix my weight on my own. Guess what? It's amazing how much an hour-long meeting with strangers can help.

    I can't exercise right now because of this darned sprained ankle, but the WW group's excitement about improving themselves is contagious. We can do it!

  7. I can certainly understand what your saying. In two months I will be 64. A year and a half ago I quit smoking. Great. Problem is I put on 60 pounds since then. It's hard to exercise because I have fibro and am always in pain; yet, I know that losing some of this weight will help lessen the pain. It becomes like a vicious cycle.