Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The more things change

I always was an optimist. I say that knowing it isn't true. I spent many years of my life as a wife and mother of three beautiful children. I knew next to nothing about being a wife or mother. I fully expected that I would be given the respect of being a partner in the marriage and of being right in my ideas of raising the children. Alas, that didn't happen.

The person I married wed me with the idea of being the knight in shining armor and rescuing me from my terrible home life and training me to be a good person according to his standards. His mother, whom I came to love dearly, was his idea of the perfect woman. I didn't know this when we wed. I learned eventually. She actually was an unusual mix of the Victorian wife and woman, and of the modern woman. R, (not her name) fully believed that the man is the head of the house. But R didn't realize that the man she had married was a wonderful but shy man who wouldn't fight her to run things. He was an absolute delight and I loved him so much. But back to R. The Victorian view of things had the woman raising the children and preparing them for the next phase of their lives. Females were to be wives and men were to bring home the bacon. Then things changed. By the time I was married the wives and husbands were breadwinners. But some things didn't change. I was supposed to become his mother. Couldn't do it. And you know how when you run toward someone they back up? That's normal. I didn't know. The more I wanted to share in his life the less I was welcome. And at some point you just give up. After all, I was the one in the wrong, and he was doing his job, bringing home the bacon.

I am amazed at how insidiously the message sneaks into the interaction. The pursed lips, the boys only outings, the why don't you questions. Loud and clear to anyone who listens. I didn't. I thought that once I was married I was safe. That my husband and I would work out problems without anyone's feelings being hurt. Again, wrong. I lived in a constant state of anxiety and fear.

So I acted out. Badly. I hurt the kids. Terribly. I suppose I may have hurt him but by that time I didn't care. Paybacks are hell.

Now I'm getting my payback. My hope that we could be friendly coparents- a total no go. My hope to develop better relationships with the kids- somewhat successful. But this year, I'm a basket case and I can't seem to stop crying. I would love it if someone would say a prayer for me.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Age or beauty?

I am always looking at fashions and wondering if they are too old or too young. Some things spring right out to me. But others are harder to determine. Such as skirt lengths, heel heights, makeup colors. Etc. Here is one answer.  I've now got answers to some questions and questions I didn't have before. Long hair after 40? Well, what do you think? Blue nails? Cleavage? There are so many things going into putting ourselves together and the look we want to project. At least there are some folks with opinions.

Thursday, December 6, 2012


I've decided to look into the humor of my life and my aging. I have agonized over the loss of some things, struggled with the onset of others, and been angry at some things I can't do anything about. And where did that get me? Exactly nowhere. I'm still not living near my kids, and I still have back and knee pain. And I'm still diabetic. Damn!!!!!
Well, this Christmas looks to be depressing and I need to do something to stave off the pity party I was preparing myself for. I'm looking to find something to become a new tradition.  I've already figured out the menu for my non-traditional Christmas dinner. But I don't want to just sit around and watch TV or whatever. And if honey and I want to visit our gifts we'll have to go out to the driveway cause we are getting each other tires for Christmas.

Now I'm sure that bitching about Christmas is a waste of time because there are literally millions out there who can't even afford tires. So this year, one of the things I'm doing is donating as much as I can to relieve hunger. And I've decided that as a total animal lover I'm going to buy some dog and cat food and I have a small nice crate. I am going to donate these things to the local animal shelter. So that adds to the good holiday things. I'm going to keep a list almost like a Christmas list of gifts to buy. Honey and I don't have a lot of disposable money so the donations will take the place of some of the gifts we used to buy but don't any more.. And any gifts I do buy I'm going to try to shop at local businesses.

It's inevitable that things change as we age. I used to cook Christmas dinner for at least 8 people and this year it will be us two. I used to set up Santa on Christmas Eve and have trouble sleeping because I couldn't wait for morning to see the kids' faces. Well, now I am working toward having a rewarding Christmas by being grateful for what I have and the small ways I can help others.