Monday, December 9, 2013


My refresh button is going to be bariatric surgery. I am waiting for the approval by the insurance company and then it will be scheduled. I hate the fact that I need to have the surgery because I always have a problem with anesthetic. But I hate continuing down the path I'm on even more. I have had a weight problem most of my life. When I was younger I had some control. But now, not so much. And I learned that after you pass a certain body mass index, there is a shift in the hormone balances and it is twice as hard to lose weight and almost impossible to keep it off. So because of the other health issues I have which are aggravated by the excess weight, I'm going to do the surgery.

I am thinking that all of the things I've learned so far say that I need to communicate with others when post surgery. I've joined a bariatric support site on the computer. But I thought I might do well to take my readers on this journey with me. A person can always use support. And maybe someone has been thinking about the surgery and would like to read my experiences. So as I wait for the insurance company to approve me, I'll start sharing my feelings and my activities. I hope for good luck with this step.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Sometimes it's not age

I'm having the most confusing time I've had in a long time. I've signed up for bariatric surgery and I'm waiting for the insurance company to let the doctor know they will pay for it and then they will call me and set up a time for the surgery. I've already had a conference with the doctor about the type of surgery and that is set. I've had lots of fluids taken and tested. I've had testing with a psychologist and  I'm taking iron and had a vitamin D shot.

I was told to go on a 1200 calorie diet. That's really funny because if I could stick to that I wouldn't have needed to have the surgery. Meanwhile I'm wondering where I should be on the diabetes. And I've been told that I won't be able to take pills after the surgery for quite a while. And I'm supposed to find other ways to take the meds I need. And I'm supposed to be exercising. And that is part of why I need the surgery. Bad back and bad knees limit exercise. I went on a cpap and I'm not needing naps as much during the day. But I'd love to have more of the energy that some folks talk about.

Now for the fun. Iron stops me up so I take something to fix that. It works too well often. The cpap helps with breathing at night so I don't snore but does nothing for the stopped up nose due to allergies. And none of the things I've been doing are helping my memory. I still can't think of words sometimes. I suppose I was expecting too much too soon. I guess I need to be more patient. But I'm 68 and sometimes I become impatient.

Isn't it fun to get old?

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Sometimes it just comes

I have had to make a lot of decisions in the last few months. I'm 68 now and I don't want the next 10 years to be like the last ten. I've been aware of the lost memory, slowed reflexes, weight gain, decreased mobility and many more things that have happened to me. I am also aware that much of the problems stems from poor behavior on my part.(too sedentary, too much and the wrong foods, etc) But now I am faced with decision time. I'm in the beginning of an upcoming weight loss surgery. There are tons of things to learn and to do. I know there are big changes coming in all parts of my life and I'm going to chronicle these changes on this blog in case anyone is faced with the same things and in case anyone has a health care decision to make. I'm usually not afraid of change but I am always afraid that I can't do something that is difficult. I'm going to reach out for support and I'd appreciate any information anyone has on this surgery. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I mean it

I'm writing this while listening to Barbara Streisand Guilty album. Sometimes I forget to use the things I know will relax me and make me smile. I came across this on YouTube. It reminded me.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

A long time

So much has happened in the last couple of months. I've gotten a reverse mortgage, had a colonoscopy, had a sleep study, and begun the process of signing up for bariatric or weight loss surgery. I am trying to get some painting done, have new wood floors installed, clean out a huge hoarded mess, sell some stuff on ebay, and lose weight I've gained. I feel overwhelmed and I'm noticing that I don't keep up with stuff like I did when younger. So I'm using a program that was put on my computer. It's post its for the computer. And they are great. Since I'm on the computer every day I can list the things I need to do and when they need to be done. And it's right there when I turn the computer on in the morning. This is a case of an old dog using a new trip. Ain't it fun?

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I think I must be lucky

I can't count the times I have screwed up in my life. At the time I thought I had screwed up my life but that is actually not the way it worked. I have less contact with some people than I might have but that's OK too. I had a friend I worked with. I felt a lot of love for her and she said she did for me. However, since I'm no longer working with her it has gone. I called a few times. But she never called me. I've learned from that to not count on the things people say but on the things they do.
God knows I've opened my mouth and stuck both feet in up to the knees. I still remember something I said in 1967 that hurt a girl's feelings. It was a dumb thing to do. I've learned never to make fun of something someone has or does.

I've made promises I intended to keep. I worked hard to be a sort of person. I tried every way to remodel myself like I thought I was expected to be. But it doesn't work. Being my true self is the only way. And my true self would sometimes rather be silent than to hurt someone.
I dragged my baggage around after me for almost 25 years after my marriage ended. I find now, after learning the truth about my past from a good source, I can let it go. Things I based my beliefs on were just not true. Things I thought about myself were just not true. Stuff happened then. This is now.

I'm not an outwardly religious person and I have come to believe that the world works just as it should anyway. I must be lucky because often when something was needed to help me survive it has appeared. Things in my life are better now that I've gotten older. I didn't expect that.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

To grow old or not to grow old

 I'm getting older every day. I just had a birthday. And you know what? I don't feel any different. I loved to rock as a young mother and I still do.

I have discovered one of the best things about getting older. My give a ____ factor has dropped considerably. I have a lot of physical complaints but I'm so excited to still be alive that I don't care. As long as I'm able to smile about the ridiculous things that happen with aging, I'll be OK. For instance, I used to drink prune juice just because I like it. See, it's fun to look at things that way. I used to take a nap because I needed it. Now I like it. I used to make the bed to make the bedroom look nicer. Now I do it so the covers don't fall off in the floor. Bending over and picking them up is a pain in the back, literally.
 I wanted to be a hippie. I wasn't sharing a marriage with someone who could get with that program. And this is where the factor comes in. I am no longer married to that person and in fact, am happily with someone else. Rather than throwing away all those dreams, I just put them off and now that I'm not so young, I'm following that road less traveled. It's such an interesting change. Like a breath of fresh air. I cleaned all of the woulda, coulda, shoulda things out of my mental closet and I'm trying for the wanta things.
If I mess up, too bad. I've done it many times before so I know I can get up and fix what's broken. My kids are adults now. They are able to make up their minds about things and I don't have to like it. Well, turn about is fair play. I can make up my mind and not worry either.

One of the things I finally understand is that my mom was also out there a bit. She in no way was the run of the mill mother. Nor did she change when the grandkids came along. Well, this ride I'm on will take me outside of the norm. But then I've never been comfortable trying to be in the norm so that works out. If it hadn't been for several things that have occurred in my life, I would not feel free enough to go with the flow. Better late than  never.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Oh the joys

There are times when I think I'm all together. I've discovered the crutches I can use to get by. I've grown up in the ways I can. I've refused to grow up in other ways. I saw a saying that ways getting old is not for sissies. Well guess what! I'm not a sissy. However, I'm a procrastinator in a major way. And I've found that isn't working for me any more. I'm getting old. I thought it was a dirty word. It's not.

I don't fear death any more. When I had my almost 14 year old standard poodle(best friend) put to sleep I saw life cease. End. Stop. And I was devastated. But she had stopped doing anything but sleeping. She lost half her body weight and didn't eat. It's really hard to decided to end another life but I had to do it. In the meantime my life has become more painful and I refer to physical pain. I have diabetes, a bad back and bad knees. I have diabetic neuropathy. I have a lot of fat and I'm tired all the time. That is enough to make me ease off on the fear of the end. But I have a wonderful man who adores me, a dog that thinks I am wonderful, another dog who licks me and loves me, 3 children, 4 grandchildren, and 2 inlaws, and some friends who make me feel needed and wanted.

I also have a sense of humor. And an interest in learning and creating. And a need to caretake and to love others. So I'm still in the plus column in a big way. I also have learned a lot. I try to use the things I've learned and to share when asked. I try to live in a way that is kind to all living things(except ants)  and to care for the planet. In short, there are a lot of things left to do. And a lot of giggles to be had.

I've been collecting funny things and I send them to my kids. And I reread them often. Laughter is a fabulous thing. So cleansing.

So there are drawbacks to growing old. But Oh the joys.

Monday, June 17, 2013

It grows on me

Today I'm fighting off vertigo. I've had it on and off for about a week and the worst seems to have passed but I still swim sometimes and I don't know when I get up if I'll walk straight or not. I have allergies and it seems as if the weather is trying to kill me. One of my allergy problems is dampness. The weather has put us about 13 inches of rain ahead of schedule this year and my ears are stopped up sometimes and they just aren't good at holding me upright. I've tried just about everything that I have at home and the doctor prescribed more of what I had at home. I've just about gotten to a point where one more dizzy spell and I'll scream. Except that will cause a sore throat too. Damn.

I saw a list of things that having diabetes messes up and the inner ear wasn't on the list. However the list was fairly long so I've decided that I'm adding all those things to the things I've bitched about before now. And I'll probably come up with some more things. Life almost has become a roulette game. Spin the wheel and see what will be a problem today. It's just another day at the allergy table.

So I am going to give up grinning for bitching today. But tomorrow is another day. Hope yours is good.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Looks can be deceiving

I have examined my face with a fine eye toward improvement. First idea for improvement is a "Lifestyle Lift". A face lift. I've joked about having someone just pull my  hair up and removing about 6 inches of skin. But my hair is the favorite thing of mine. I'd hate to lose it.

Then there are the creams and facials that are available. All claim to rid the user of wrinkles and to promote dewy youthful skin. And some cost as little as $6 a jar. The only requirement is that you use them.

I personally have a huge stash of creams. That I don't use. But at least none were much over 30 dollars. If I still had the money I'd be hundred's of dollars richer and I'd still look the same.

One of the people I'll never forget is my former and now passed away mother-in-law. She had baby fine skin with very few wrinkles. And yet as a teen she had to work outside in the sun with the rest of her family. Thank goodness she had the foresight to wear a hat. And her beauty regimen consisted of cleansing and moisturizing with basic Noxema. This lovely lady did not miss a day of taking care of her skin. She wasn't vain. There were no expensive make-ups, no state-of-the-art creams. There was constant care. A hat on a sunny day out was important. Good sunglasses. And cleansing and moisturizing. It worked. She looked younger than her years.

At the same time she didn't try to look younger. No short skirts. No hair dye. No jangling bracelets. This woman was an elegant older person. I'll always look up to her.

Now the picture of the cat. This cat is a hairless cat. Meant to be that way. On a cat, the hair can hide a lot of things. Like wrinkles. But this cat isn't hiding anything. I have seen many people who are so comfortable with their looks they go bare faced into the world every day. Most men do. However, I'm drawn toward the happy medium. I can't afford a facelift. So I have to start looking like the cat. And there isn't enough makeup in the world that I could trowel on and look 20. I have not cared for my skin like my lovely MIL. So I'm starting more like the cat.

Good healthy food, vitamins, exercise and self-care are advised for good health. They are also good for skin. I think that needs to be my route with a little help from makeup.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I'm still here

I spent a lot of years growing up and married. During those years I did everything I could to become what my mother and ex wanted me to be. I failed. And now I am being what I was meant to be. It's never too late.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

If you're happy and you know it.....

 Happiness. It makes getting older feel better. And I've found that many of the things that used to make me unhappy just don't matter any more.

Psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky is on the forefront of helping everyone find some answers, both through tireless research as well as with her books, like “The How of Happiness” (2007) and its just-published follow-up, “The Myths of Happiness.” 
Lyubomirsky, based at the University of California, Riverside, believes that everyone has his or her own set happiness level, noted the New York Times in a recent profile of the researcher. And the less happy among us tend to share traits like frequently comparing themselves to others (and finding personal disappointment in others’ successes), rationalizing often, and dwelling on unhappy events. Happy folks, meanwhile, have a greater tendency to store up positive moments in their memory.
Perform random acts of kindness
“The generous acts don’t have to be random and they don’t have to be a certain kind (e.g, anonymous or social or big, etc.),” Lyubomirsky told fellow happiness-expert Gretchen Rubin. “We have found that almost any types of acts of kindness boost happiness.” Recent studies have corroborated the findings, she noted, with one showing that when 9- to 11-year old kids were asked to do good deeds for several weeks, they not only got happier, but became more popular with their peers. 

Count your blessings
Learning to practice gratefulness is particularly key to happiness, Lyubomirsky says. And there are many ways to do it: by keeping a gratitude journal, in which you ruminate on 2-3 things for which you’re currently grateful, “from the mundane (your dryer is fixed, your flowers are finally in bloom, your husband remembered to stop by the store) to the magnificent (your child’s first steps, the beauty of the sky at night),” she wrote in a recent blog post. Alternately, you can choose a fixed time that’s set aside for thinking about your blessings, or when you can talk about what’s good in your life with a gratitude partner, or even tell people directly that you’re grateful for them or their actions. Writing one day, and then thinking or discussing the next, is a good way to keep your gratitude practice fresh, she notes.

Be thrifty
Materialism, overconsumption and overspending will ultimately get you down, Lyubomirsky has noted, reiterating the point by using age-old tropes (possessions break, while memories only get better) and quotes (“Our necessities are few, but our wants are endless”). “Promoting sustainable happiness means helping people transcend set points and setbacks to live more rewarding lives,” she writes in one study. “Thrift can complement this endeavor by extending the meaning of sustainability, ensuring that the collective can flourish as well as the individual.” In other words? Greed makes everyone sad.

Learn to savor positive experiences
“The ability to savor the positive experiences in your life is one of the most important ingredients of happiness,” according to Lyubomirsky. How to do it? Put together a small album with happy photos or mementos and carry it around with you. Try to be present and fully appreciate small, happy moments—from taking a shower to eating a meal. And tune in to natural joys, from the sound of a bird singing to the smell of fresh spring blossoms in the air.

Take baby steps toward life goals
Making a list of your big goals in life, and taking baby steps toward them, is very happy-inducing. That’s because a component of happiness is the sense that your life is good, “that you’re progressing towards your goals in life,” Lyubomirsky told Diane Rehm. This is a digestible way to make it possible.

Stay healthy and live long: Happiness peaks at age 65
As she noted in her first book, a 22-year study of about 2,000 healthy veterans of World War II and the Korean War revealed that life satisfaction increased over the course of these men’s lives, peaked at age 65, and didn’t start significantly declining until age 75. Takeaway: Not happy at 30? Don’t give up, and don’t rush it. There’s still time.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Oh my, what can the matter be?

I went to the doctor and she told me to go to Weight Watchers. Not so much to lose weight, though that is part of it. I needed to go to connect with people and get out and make myself focus. Focus.

Have you had a hard time with focus? I do. At night when I'm waiting for sleep, I think of the most wonderful things I can do to lose weight, fix up the house, exercise, cook, etc. But by morning I can remember none of them. And I'm not sure if I'm forgetting them on purpose or what. By some miracle I had lost a few pounds when I weighed in this week. And it was not because of the  diet as much as that the fact of joining WW has made me more aware of what I am eating and my activity level. So I suppose the Doc was right. I did need WW.

When I went to the Doc, they took a bunch of my blood and tested it. My A1c level is really low and that is good for a diabetic. I'm anemic and finally found an iron that works for me. So I'm doing better. I had so little faith in myself. I'm still tired but my youngest child said it might be the Spring allergies. Well, that makes sense so today I'm off to the drug store for more allergy meds. I'm so glad Spring is here that I'll embrace the stuffy nose.

One lesson learned-more faith in myself.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Again, with prejudice

I'm diabetic. I'm fighting something that can kill me slowly and make me miserable in the meantime. And I'm mad about it. I suppose my attitude at first was not realistic. I was glad to find out what was wrong with me. I was glad to have something to focus on. So for the first few months I did really well. I ate mostly low carbs and a lot of protein. I went from one easy to grab thing to another. And my first tests were pretty good. But life can conspire to give kicks in the rear whether you want them or not. I know I have never been good at maintaining focus. And I know that I'm quick to go for the easiest out.

This winter was a series of things that I'm sorry to say got in the way. Dark days make for depression. Depression makes for exhaustion. At least with me it does. Cold weather hurts my back and knees. And pain in the back and knees makes for exhaustion and depression. Exhaustion makes for grabbing the easiest things to eat and makes for the least amount of work possible.(read-no cooking) And there are only so many things that one can grab that aren't high in carbs. So the focus on the best diet for me was out  the window. I skipped going to the doctor because I didn't want to admit the screw up that my life had become. Meanwhile, the weight crept up, putting more pressure on the knees and back, and causing more exhaustion and depression. So finally I made an appointment with the doctor. I'm going in on Friday. I'm aware that I should have gone months ago. My reaction to being pushed into doing something is to push back. But in the meantime I'm unhappy. Big time. And exhausted. So by going to the doctor I'm going to make myself look again at the things I need to do.

I'm aware that this post has been depressing. I must face that I'm depressing others. I hope to be more upbeat soon. I'm trying to add more protein sources to my diet because I'm freakin tired of the things I've been eating. I hope it works because I'd love to smile more.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Might try

I'm a beginning juicer. And I'm looking to eat better quality foods. And I'm broke. So I was glad to find the list of regrowable veggies. Several are good for juicing and all are good for eating. I use cabbage for several things and tomorrow I'm making some soup with cabbage in it. I'm going to try to find out more about regrowing on the internet. I'd feel a real sense of accomplishment to be able to grow some of my own food.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Ya never know

I've got a couple of things to say about my status. One of them is that I seem to be retaining food. I'm diabetic as you all know. For some reason I've had trouble dropping my love and devotion for sweets. Then my slim and gorgeous boyfriend brought home 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I don't like the thin mints and that was two boxes but the other two are gone and the mints are in the freezer. I'm going to throw them away if he doesn't want any. And I also ate all of the honey buns I got him to take to work. Damn. I just got the idea to go on a diet. A couple of weeks ago. And I'm doing worse than ever. So today I'd like to talk a bit about self-sabotage.

I'm chronically tired. I'm sure some of the problem has to do with my eating habits. I'm still able to register some decent blood sugars most of the time. But I'm also anemic and have a lot of pain. Tired.
There may be a lot of things I can do about this but I'm not doing them. I wonder if a lifetime of self loathing has harmed my ability to take care of myself. I have noticed that when I look at myself in the mirror before showering, I sort of skip over the part from the chin down. I'm always happier when I get my clothes on because stuff is less obvious. Don't get me wrong, I still look fat, but not as bad.

Today I'm going to the grocery store. Last night I got out a couple of high protein books and I'm searching out recipes. It's time to start doing what I should have done a year ago. 5 years ago. You just never know when you must learn new tricks.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Just one of those things

That's just one of those things I don't do well on. I wear stretch pants. Not tight stretch pants. But they have a lot of stretch. So when I began to notice that a couple of pairs felt snugger than usual I started to worry. I have been dealing with diabetes and the blood values have been OK. But the calorie counts have been off the charts. That is if I were charting them. Which I probably should do. You can cut down on carbs by adding lots of fat. And that is part of what I've done. I'd lost a few pounds when the diagnosis came down but they are back. Just like the damned Energiser bunny. I am looking at my intake and it's scary. I eat too many carbs still. I eat often at night and it's almost always something not good for me. But when I try to change the eating habits I stress out and then I want to eat more. And then I lay around a lot and let the fatty food go to my belly and butt. And I'm aware of this. I'm also aware that I need to change the behavior. So I don't do it. I'm going to have to find a way to change without becoming the bitch I am so good at being.
One of the ways I am aware that I've gained is that my back and knees are hurting more. It's winter. I blamed it on the cold weather. Dumb. I've read that for every 30 pounds lost the diabetic problems are reduced by half. I'd be half as likely to lose vision, or to have trouble with infections. It's time to face me. I claim the crown as Queen Procrastinator. I need to lose the crown.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Everything I love

I became diabetic and began giving up a lot of things. Most of them are on the right side of the list above. Some I'm still doing. I still get an occasional fast food meal. I drink a coke once in a while. I fry a few things and I use processed meats. But, I believe I'm going in the right direction with my diet. I'm way down the scale on the carb intake. I have to be because of the diabetes. I have started juicing several times a week. I'm reading labels and choosing foods to buy more carefully. And I haven't lost a single pound. That leads me to believe that it's not just what I eat, but I have to notice how much. And when. And how my intake isn't balanced by the outgo of energy. You know, I used to think when I retired I'd be able to do the things I love. Oh, well.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Trust the kids

My daughters have begun to take better care of themselves through diet. My oldest daughter is a chef and the other one(the baby) is mom to 2 and always busy. So here I am--- retired and with not much of an excuse to ignore my health. I have a lovely guy to enjoy, a good home, 2 lovely dogs, 3 kids, 4 grandchildren, and some of my health. So, I am listening to my girls and trying some new stuff. It can't hurt. A lot of what I am learning is helpful for diabetes. So I'll be ahead anyway.
I am paying attention to foods that are good for me and I have purchased a juicer. It was a real eye opener. I can use a lot of fruits, ginger, kale, beets, etc. And in the blink of an eye I have a healthy drink. And I have decided to keep the fiber and use it in other things so I don't lose the nutrition. You can make it sweet, salty, or whatever you choose according to what you add. You can add salt. You can add sugar or honey. You can add protein powder. How about adding some vodka? Well, maybe not vodka. Anyway, I plan to freeze the fiber and add to meatloaf, or make veggie broth, or whatever else I can think of. And then there is adding yogurt, or frozen bananas and making it a smoothie. I think I'll have a lot of fun.

I am still having a problem staying away from carbs. Too many carbs and my blood sugar goes up. I constantly remind myself of the results of letting my diabetes get out of control. I suppose that will be for the rest of my life.

Now the fun part of getting old. I have found that I understand every Maxine cartoon I see. I have found I can laugh at things I used to consider so important. And I don't need any more clothes. (for now) Needs are dropping like flies. But how to get rid of the I wants. I don't know yet.

Smile. We're still here!

Monday, February 11, 2013

I thought they were kidding.

Getting old. I'm told you are only as old as you feel. OK. Let's go with that. Today my knees feel about 80. My back feels close to 70. My eyes are 60. My psyche is about 12. My sensuality is subject to change when he gets home from work. My interests are about 30. My sense of humor is iffy. And I'm still not sure how I got to this age. If I average the things I listed I'm not doing so bad.

I have a very young boyfriend. He's 25 years younger than me and we will celebrate 24 years of living together in April. You'd think that would make him much younger than I am. And in calendar years that is true. But I moved a small thing on the kitchen counter yesterday and he went bonkers. Change is something that throws him. And Friday our clothes washer began to smoke while not being on. A possible fire. He jumped right up, unplugged everything and got the offending object outside. Yet on Saturday while we waited for delivery of our new washer, he was freaked out because it wasn't normal. So I'm in some ways questioning the meaning of age. I don't have a problem with change. It seems to be the normal part of life. And there are times I think he is older than I am. So again, age is a strange thing.

I have had some physical problems that really tick me off. I don't use any more drugs than absolutely needed. Diabetes, slow thyroid, and high cholesterol must be medicated. Depression, which I have discovered is not something to sneeze at, must be dealt with. And acid reflux must be dealt with. And I'm doing it. But you know what? Those things don't make me feel old. When I feel old is when I am bored. Boredom, I believe is the most aging thing there is. My boyfriend(that sounds odd at 67) is not boring, usually. There are so many things to do, to see, to learn. Boredom is my idea of aging.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Good article

Sunday, January 27, 2013


I'm 67, soon to be 68. I started to exercise just a little bit on January first. And I am continuing. No New Year's resolutions. I just started.

I look forward from here with a notion of how to make what's left last as long as possible and be as enjoyable as possible. I'm open to a lot of possibilities. One thing I have decided to do is follow in my daughter's footsteps. I have two daughters. One has seen a documentary on how food affects our bodies and she has started to eat more meatless and more fatless, etc. She has children but they are given diets that are appropriate for their ages. Another thing she is doing is juicing. And I am planning to try learning more about both steps toward health. My other daughter, a chef, has joined daughter number 1 in the juicing and is so excited about it. I find my enthusiasm is growing. I need more veggies and that is one way to get them.

I also am actively looking into ways to combat stress. Due to physical problems, a full blown yoga routing is out. But with my diminutive exercise program going I think I'm going to add a couple of yoga poses and see how that works out.

I'm really glad old dogs can still learn new tricks.