Thursday, May 26, 2011

The true me

This pic of me is probably the most like what I am right now. You can smile for the camera. And you can put on make-up and nice clothes. You can do your hair. You can look your best. But sometimes behind the smile and the other stuff is an exhaustion and a depression, a feeling of failure and loss. So you can then continue to spiral downward. I was drowning in self-pity at one point in my recovery from surgery.

Then I started doing something I have spent most of my life trying not to do. I certainly don't think of this as a surprise to anyone else. My physical therapy has broken the barrier for me. Before when I thought of exercise I thought to myself-- this is too hard. I am so out of shape I'll never be able to do it. Then I walked into the therapy center and saw the pool. I am a water lover from way back. A Cancerian-but not crabby(well maybe crabby). My children swam competitively and I love a good Chlorine smell in the morning. But, I was so out of shape. So very flabby. Then I started the water exercise program. And over the last 3 weeks things have begun to change. I look forward to going to the therapy sessions and getting into that water. I no longer care that my body looks awful. I no longer feel overwhelmed by the whole exercise process. I have discovered my way out of the doldrums. Water. I know this is not the answer for everyone. But I feel so much better now I couldn't go back. I also know that I lose interest in things easily. But I've been blogging fairly regularly for a while now. Who knows? Maybe this is a turning point for me.

I've also discovered a difference in this attempt at exercise for another reason. I'm not trying to get a good body. I've abused and misused what I had for many years. I think there is a statute of limitations on getting better looking through exercise. My goal at this point is to feel good and be able to do things without feeling worn out. In other words, to have the energy to enjoy life. And I can tell it's coming. I woke up smiling a couple of days ago. And I've started listening to music again. Before, any noise bothered me. Too tired to deal.....

I think now the most important thing is happening. I have hope again. If there is a problem and there is no hope of finding an answer, depression follows. But I have hope. That smile in the pic above is both tired from before and hopeful for now. I am not trying to hurry the process I'm in but I plan to enjoy it. I guess, for me, that's the important thing.


  1. I've really got to exercise myself. If anything, just to loosen up these joints. It's getting harder and harder to get around. I've already started walking on weekends, something I used to love, but in the past few years have been telling myself that I can't. Well, you know what? I really can...maybe slower than I used to, but I can still do it.

  2. We have to find what we are comfortable with and seems like water is your answer :)
    I honestly admit, I hate anything related with physical activity.

  3. Judy this is an incredibly brave and honest post that I have mad respect for. I've been where you are in terms of just not feeling like doing anything. I remember in my last 20's a friend asked me if I had any clothing that wasn't black...and I only had a few white or grey items. A personal tragedy had led me to subconsciously, over a period of almost 2 years, only wear black and/or sweatsuits. I felt like it took 2 or 3 years to fully come out of that fog. Music was very therapeutic for me--and when I realized I'd forgotten how I looked in color I remember getting very nervous in the pit of my stomach for the lost time and for getting so out of touch with myself.

    Hang in there. You can do it.