Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Older, sometimes. Better, always.

There are few good things to say about life sometimes. Stress causes the worst sort of tiredness and depression. I have dealt with the problem of depression for my whole life. For a long time I didn't have any idea what the problem was. I did a whole lot of drinking and acting out. I was a not so good wife and a not so good mother. I was not a loving and kind person. I was a hider. I hid from life. There were sometimes periods that I wanted nothing more than to stay in a bathrobe for weeks.

I have been fortunate to have come to the surface after swimming underwater off and on for years. I know how difficult it can be to slog through mud day after day. I am 64 now and I have discovered that I will always have the problem of wanting to hide. But I have made the choice to acknowledge this problem and not hide from it anymore. I have a problem with lack of focus. I don't know if the problem is the sort that has a medical name. To me, it doesn't matter. I am aware of the problem so I have decided to work with it. So I have to often remind myself of the things I need to work on. The memory and focus problem is not a good excuse for failure.

I've decided on the best way for me to handle the problem of forgetting to do the things I need to do for myself. Lists and reminder notes should help me stay on track. I will put up notes. I have often been afraid of being laughed at by the VSO but I think I am ready to face him and if it works we will both be happier. So notes go up today. Lists begin to appear every morning. My
beautiful and intelligent baby daughter has lists and says they will really help her keep up with things. Since she has 2 babies and still manages to do a good job on keeping up with things, I have to try the list things.

One thing I deem really important is to forgive myself for not living up to my expections. I used to try to live up to the expectations of the others in my life. Gave that up. I discovered it is painful to try to be someone else. But I have laid a guilt trip on myself for not living up to the awful expectations I have for myself. And being a sucker for a reason to not do something, I used those expectations as reasons not to try. The laugh is definitely on me. If you don't do anything, it definitely will end up that nothing is done.

Now is the time to laugh at myself. So for the next few days I am going to try the note and list system and you can visualize me getting up off my far too large ass and moving about with some sort of organization. Or not.

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